When Jeff used to do pre-marital counseling with people I told him to please cover the topic of Christmas trees. A relationship could break very easily if there wasn’t a common understanding. Real or fake? White lights or colored? Blinking or non-blinking? In my mind these were non-negotiables. For us – a real tree, white lights, non-blinking. Period. Of course that is because that is what I grew up with and I am stubborn and bitchy. Jeff being kind and always a bigger picture kind of person thankfully acquiesced.

Here is one of my absolute favorite pictures of Ben – our second Christmas with him, looking for the perfect tree in 2006.

Just a year later Ben was five months into treatment and would be lucky to be home for Christmas if he recovered from his surgery in time. Stem cell transplant was just around the corner. A “live” tree was not in the game plan, as we couldn’t have plants in our home. Ryan was just a few weeks old, so needless to say, “Christmas” was not on our minds. Survival was.

My parents, wanting to bring some sort of merriment into our crazy existence, bought and set up a fake tree in our living room one day. A small gesture, but it did indeed brighten up our days that year. Ben loved it, as did we. A year later in 2008 Ben was dying – literally. But up this tree went.

(Here is Ben & Kristen sitting by the tree in 2007)

Last year, our 2^nd Christmas without him, “Ben’s Tree” presented us with some electrical issues. The middle section of the lights went out. How appropriate. Normally most people would just take that strand down and attach another – but this tree is pre-wrapped, as in all the lights are attached. So after last season we boxed it back up and decided not to deal with it until this year.

With the holidays upon us again we wondered what were we going to do?  It was probably best to just give it away and start again fresh we initially thought. It would be fun to take Ryan to pick out a tree like we used to. It seemed all decided until while walking through Costco Jeff mentions casually that he is going to take the broken fake tree to the goodwill. *cue grief episode*  Instantaneously my eyes burned, tears fell, my chest heaved, my longing for my son so intense you would have thought he had literally just died in Costco next to the toilet paper. Nice. It is strange when, where and how grief moments are triggered. But triggered it was. And with a rage I was like, “We are not giving away Ben’s tree. I want that tree for the rest of my life.”

At least the moment was clarifying.

Jeff agreed to appease my volatility but gave me the job of finding an electrician to fix it – knowing full well we were about to pay more than the fake tree was even worth. Yes, it was crazy, but grief is crazy – so to me it was worth it no matter how much it cost. I called numerous electricians and basically was told in a condescending way they didn’t do “that kind of thing.” I was about to start pleading and begging my case when Holley (the perfect name for this holiday project) answered his phone and told me in a very friendly and kind way that he would come take a look at it.

Holley spent a couple hours with us and Jeff continued the work after he left. But I am pleased to say that after $200 + dollars, many hours and some definite cuss words from my better half – the tree is back in order. Sometimes grief can be expensive and time consuming. This much I know.

It’s about hanging on I guess. Hanging on to anything and everything. Longing for Ben – and he is gone. But his tree is still here. So just like our life, sometimes your traditions change. We are (and seemingly forever) the family with a fake tree – with white, non-blinking lights that now thankfully work.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas tree, how lovely are your plastic branches…

Last week we had the honor and privilege of being featured by Tom Douglas’ Dahlia Lounge as one of their charities of choice at their Dine & Wine 2011. First of all, if you have never been to Dahlia Lounge – you must go. Now. It is hands down one of the best restaurants in Seattle and you will not be disappointed. We have dined there many times and always walk away amazed by the gorgeous atmosphere and incredible food.

I would say Thursday night was no exception – except that it was beyond exceptional. It was such a lovely evening. We want to sincerely thank everyone who attended. We were grateful for your presence, generosity and interest in our work. We were thankful as well to Tom Douglas himself for stopping by to say hello to us and compliment his very talented head chef Brock Johnson.

The evening featured an exclusive and delicious menu prepared specially by Brock and accentuated by favorite Northwest wines. Brock introduced each course personally as well as the wines – which made the evening so much fun. We enjoyed Sparkman Cellars – 2010 Pearl Sauvignon Blanc, EFESTĒ Winery – 2010 Evergreen Riesling, Syncline Winery – 2010 Counoises, and Mark Ryan Winery – 2008 Long Haul. Thank you to these wineries for their generous contributions!

The conversations were engaging and the dinner such a treat that it seemed like a shame to even interrupt everyone. But we did. Jeff, myself, and Dr. Jensen had the chance to share about Ben Towne Foundation’s partnership with the Center for Childhood Cancer Research and the real hope that we have of changing the way kids are treated and cured from pediatric cancer.

In their invitation to Dine & Wine 2011 here is what they said:

“In creating this private event to benefit one of their chosen charities, Ben Towne Foundation, the Dahlia Lounge zealously joins the effort to end childhood cancer.”

That sentence took my breath away. As did the entire evening. Our deep deep gratitude to chef Brock Johnson, Amy Bryant, the Dahlia Lounge event staff, as well as our dearest friends Jon and Heather Foster for putting together such an incredible evening. We felt so honored to be included.

Last week our friend Gwynne hosted a fantastic wine & dessert party. I had the chance to meet so many wonderful moms from the Magnolia neighborhood. As we move into this second year we continue to be grateful for opportunities to share about what is happening here in Seattle, our foundation and about the future of pediatric cancer research at the Center. This was a perfect way to do that. Gwynne opened up her lovely home and invited a great group of women. Here is what she had to say about it…

1) Why are you involved with the foundation? I’m involved with the foundation first and foremost because I love my friends, Carin and Jeff Towne, and feel like I have to do something to make sure no other family goes through what the Townes experienced. It is gut wrenching to watch your dear friends suffer such a great loss and feel so helpless. This is the least I can do!

2) What led you to think about this idea? Carin and I talked about doing this awhile back. The ladies I know in Magnolia have a monthly “girls night” so this was a no brainer. Then this summer a dear friend and fellow Magnolia family’s daughter was diagnosed with Retinoblastoma. For a lot of families, this is their first experience and exposure to pediatric cancer. This is not okay and I had to introduce the families that I know here in Magnolia to Ben Towne Foundation.

3) What exactly did you do to raise awareness/funds for the foundation? Back in August I was out for a girls night to celebrate dinner for one of the woman’s birthdays and we started talking about college. Long and short of it, two of the women knew the Townes. So that night I invited all the women (and their husbands) to join me at the benefit 2011. I then told them that I was going to follow up with a “Girl’s Night” to have them meet Carin and invite other women who couldn’t make it to the dinner or didn’t know about it. I knew this would be the perfect way to keep the momentum going.

4) How did it work out? The event was fantastic!  I had some great women show up, some I barely knew. The next day I had several of the women come up to me and say how wonderful it was for them to meet Carin and hear her story and that they were deeply impacted. Since the event I’ve had one woman take a copy of the Towne’s story on DVD so she can share it with her husband’s co-workers. I had a second friend tell me she’s going to send an email blast out to all her friends letting them know about Ben Towne Foundation. I had a third woman tell me she would love to help organize a Magnolia Cocktail Party and help raise funds as well.  This is just the beginning and I know more and more families will jump on board and support this amazing organization!

**Thank you so much Gwynne for opening up your beautiful home and introducing us to a network of families in Magnolia. Your willingness to help tell our story and your fun hospitality are greatly appreciated!