different

The past few weeks have been fairly brutal. At times I feel like my life has turned into a Lifetime Movie, only it doesn’t star Meredith Baxter Birney or Jaclyn Smith – but rather me. I keep wondering how did this happen? How did we get here? And will we make it? I don’t know. Everything is different now. Or again. I’m not sure which.

It will be interesting to see how Ryan will come to understand our lives as he grows up. Ever since Ben died I have been anxious for Ryan to want to know more about Ben’s life. The recent events seem to have set off lots of questions for him. But now that he is asking, I am finding that it is harder and more frustrating than I expected. We are attempting to answer Ryan’s questions in a way that makes sense for him – answers that are age appropriate. But the reality is, even at my age none of it makes any sense.

How old is Ben?
Where did he go?
What is Ben doing right now?
When will he come back?
Why are his clothes smaller than mine?
Why don’t his shoes fit me anymore?
Why did his body stop working?
Will Ben ever come to my school?

We try to answer all his questions the same way we talk about Ben – openly and honestly. We want Ryan to know his brother even though he can’t remember him. I guess I hope that his brain will create memories with the pictures that we have and the stories we share with him.

In that vain, while in California a few weeks ago, we took Ryan to the BNP Paribas Open in Indian Wells. We talked all about it, about how much Ben loved tennis and told Ryan that we were going to see Ben’s favorite player – Roger Federer – play. As we walked in and were seated Ryan immediately and loudly asked, “Where is Tiger Woods?” Apparently he was expecting something different.

So was I. I expected that the first time we took a little boy wearing a purple husky hat to see Roger Federer it would be Ben. But as it is, this week Ryan will have out lived his brother. Going forward it will be new. And what I should now have come to expect – different than what I thought.

 

Note: please excuse the technical difficulty we had earlier this week with our blog distribution. Our website is getting some new updates and apparently feedburner thought they were exciting enough to send them out!